RÓŻOWY ŚLEDŹ | Po raku | kontakt@rozowysledz.pl

Oczywiście, że bywają momenty, kiedy myślę czy to już. Wszyscy pacjenci onkologiczni umieją na szybko i w szczegółach wyobrazić sobie swój pogrzeb. Są dni, kiedy nie chcemy nikogo widzieć, zapadamy się w sobie i jesteśmy zwyczajnie zmęczeni chorobą. Tym bardziej, kiedy mamy dobre dni, tryskamy radością i chcemy żyć. Nie przejmujemy się rzeczami, które przed chorobą nas drażniły. Wyluzowałaś – mówi mój ukochany partner. Uśmiecham się i patrzę na niedokończone porządki domowe, na niedbale rzuconą piżamkę czy pustą szklankę na stole i pasuje mi to. Już nie sprzątam nerwowo kuchni przed posiłkiem, nie ścielę w pośpiechu łóżka, ale zostawiam je na trochę, żeby odpoczęło po nocnej pracy. Staram się sprzątać powoli ze starannością i nie mam wyrzutów, gdy słyszę, że przyjaciółka już do 9 rano ogarnęła dwa prania i umyła podłogę. 

Od zawsze nie lubiłam przygotowań świątecznych i pośpiechu. Niby ma być święto, a jest nerwówka. I po co? 

Po miesiącach choroby nowotworowej odpuściłam. Nie tylko w deklaracjach, ale przede wszystkim w realizacji. Żyję wolniej. Nadal dbam o to, żeby w moim otoczeniu nie było bałaganu, który przytłacza – ale też nie panikuję, gdy przed sprzątaniem pojawia się jakiś gość. 

Leczenie onkologiczne jest bardzo wyczerpujące. Zabiera energię i niszczy ciało. Niektórym dosłownie odbiera chęć do życia. Jednak między sesjami chemio- radio- czy też innej terapii jesteśmy bateriami energii. Zdrowi ludzie obdarzają nas dobrymi spojrzeniami i dobrym słowem – to doskonałe źródło, z którego czerpiemy. 

Gdy teraz słyszę, że dobrze wyglądam, odpowiadam „Prawda? Ty też doskonale!”. Zajęło mi kilka miesięcy, żeby zaakceptować nowe powycinane ciało. Po pierwszej operacji obudziłam się i zobaczyłam uśmiechniętą Kaśkę. Była świeżo po kolejnym już w jej życiu zabiegu, ciągnęły ją szwy na brzuchu, była wychudzona i jeszcze nie jadła, ale była duszą towarzystwa i tryskała energią. Nawiedzona albo udaje – myślałam.  Jak można po operacji być taką natchnioną.  Nie jesz, masz problemy gastryczne, doczepiają ci kolejne kroplówki, alarm z pompy cukrzycowej budzi w nocy, a ty świergolisz wesoło jak wróbelek na wiosnę. 

Potem zrozumiałam. Jak zawsze w życiu to, jak się czuję jest kwestią mojego wyboru. Tygodniami pozwalałam sobie na czucie się ofiarą (w znaczeniu trójkąta dramatycznego Karpmana albo „self-pity”) i nie mogłam zacząć jeść. Pacjenci na sali szpitalnej przychodzili i wychodzili a mój organizm stał w miejscu. Wreszcie pomyślałam sobie, po co czytam te wszystkie tak zwane rozwojowe książki? Po co Hawkins? Po co techniki oddychania, tai chi qigong, zacięcie sportowe? Skoro nadal leżę na wznak, patrzę w sufit, czuję obrzydzenie do kolejnej kroplówki i bezsilność wobec choroby?   

Jak napisał profesor Hawkins „przede wszystkim jesteśmy zależni tylko od tego, o czym sami myślimy.” W tym zdaniu słowo „tylko” ma wielkie dla mnie znaczenie. 

Żyję bardziej. Nie wszyscy potrzebują choroby, żeby to robić. Na szczęście. 

Mój Tata, po latach bycia częściowo sparaliżowanym, na pytanie jak zdrowie odpowiadał: “Doskonale! Dopisuje!”

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